I keep starting a post and deleting it. Honestly I don't know what to do. It's been over a month since my ex left me. She said we would be friends and things wouldn't change much, even though it did. I messed up a lot during the relationship and we fought a lot. I was deemed a liar, obsessive, controlling and thinks of my own feelings above others. Some of that I don't think is true the next yes. The biggest reason being that I lied about a lot of stuff. I think more white lies than anything. But I can't even explain examples cause I can't remember. I have such a horrible memory. I blame myself for a lot even though sometimes I think I did my best for her and her kids and was always there for them. I was and have always been quite insecure with her. Her going out with guy friends, even girlfriends to bars/clubs, became more insecure when the lovey dovey stuff like hugs, kisses, cuddling and saying I love you stopped.

I'm having a hard time because my life became her life and I was always around. Even when I was at work I'd come home then go see her and the kids. Things have changed so much it hurts. I can't stop thinking of her, what she's doing, if she misses me or thinks of me, if the kids even miss me, if she's talking bad about me, if I meant anything to her, about all the good times and lovey dovey moments we had, I go through pictures and just get so sad. I start getting anxious and my chest and heart hurt. My therapist says to not contact her and so does my good friend. But sometimes I just get the urge to when I sad and do it. Sometimes she asks me if I need something being in a way like why are talking to me then the next she's up late at night and can't sleep and she's msging me first. I've gone 4days straight not texting her so far. But each week that goes by I throw it out the window by msging her.

I can't sleep at night, I sleep all day, I've had issues with eating nothing to just bingeing. I feel like I'm stuck in an endless loop that isn't getting better. Even though I do have good days where things feel like they could get better and that I do to need her. I just feel stupid. As much as things hurt during the relationship I still loved her. I still do and don't know how to let go. I know there are many other women out there and maybe something else could happen one day but my heart keeps telling me she's the one.

By the way I have depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.

I just feel alone and my heart won't let my mind sit at ease. I'm just so sad right now..

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