I've never masturbated while watching porn or anything like that.

In the past three (?) months, though, I can't go for a week without masturbating while thinking of one of two ex-girlfriends, Nancy & Chandra. Nancy 85% of the time.

The thing that baffles me is that I'm not supposed to be able to get an erection. They cut off my legs when they couldn't sustain blood flow and told me that Moby would forever lose his Special Purpose.

Then when I started being smitten by these manic spells, I felt surrounded by a dozen Nancy's (think few years younger Kill Bill Uma Thurman) all a'frolicking and I couldn't stop. If it hadn't been for the ministry of two old friends, L&M, and the kindness and understanding of their husbands, I would, I know that I would have done something risky.

Now, when the urge comes upon me, I just lay back, close my eyes and tilt my closed eyes to the ceiling and remember.

Sooo... when I masturbate I daydream (?) of Nancy.

Here's something strange: my wife and I were friends with another married couple and we used to just do the same crap that married couples do. But J and I were at an Irish pub waiting for our wives and he told me that (you have to pay attention here – I didn't understand the first time)... okay that when they were having sex, that J would call his wife, C, my my wife's name, M, and that C, his wife, would call him, J, by my name, cider. And that they would "pretend" to be us making love to us.

I've certainly been in some situations that could be called out-of-the-norm, freaky even, but that playtime was one of the oddest involving me without my participation. I never told my wife or mentioned it to the couple again.

My reaction to that little best-not-tell fantasy of his makes me sound hypocritical when I admit that when a woman has told me that they were getting on with Mr. X, but thinking of me the entire time, I could understand that.

One question in re masturbation and pornography. Is it like a by-the-pool quickie? The quickie part, I mean? From the little that I've seen, there's not a lot of foreplay or afterplay. I don't know, though... if I go into rut for 2-3 months again and L&M couldn't make it, I guess that I could give it a try. I feel like an idiot whenever this subject comes up. Like not a 'real guy.' Guys watch porn. I'm not naive. I like an artist in any medium who's able to catch a fleeting moment of of pleasure, or pain, for whatever reason. And I probably have much kinkier sides to me than watching pornography. I'm not sure, though.

I guess you either get it or you don't – like opera. I've had men and women try to explain what they find erotic and why. I've talked myself into a corner again. About a subject that I know nothing about. Maybe I should subscribe to Playboy. My dad did and there was nothing creepy about him.

Jesu. I'm "talking" so much because I'm nervous, not because of my hypergraphia. I could be naked in a room full of clothed Amish couples and not feel as embarrassed as I do just thinking about pornography. I'm a freak. Honestly; that's what I feel like. Crimey, that's what I am. Porn magazines, porn videos, digital porn stills, etc. I've been in enormous sex stores that cater to every (legal) sex act that can be imagined. I know what bothers me (maybe?)... the commerce side and that I have one friend, only one that I knew of, who put much more time and energy and MONEY into collecting porn movies rather than on pursuing any kind of 'real' relationship. That didn't stop him from whining about not being in any kind of relationship, though.

His father had been a U.S. Senator for 10 terms (joke! A long time...) from a SE US state. Jim-Bob had inherited a truckload of some of the most beautiful luggage from his dad but that luggage had been his dad's mother's back during the days when you traveled by boat instead of plane. Anyway, Porn Gnome kept his porn videos in this beautiful luggage.

He was (and still was,the last that I checked) a short, round guy and I've never met anyone more hirsute than him. Never. Very bright, very funny, a kind guy, post-grad degree smart, a sweetheart genuine. He thought that it was all about his looks and I guess that if he was sitting there, day-after-day, comparing himself to those male porn stars that most guys would probably feel inadequate. I have a horrible body image now; I think that he'd been nursing one all through his life.

Women were always asking about his status; "ah, she'd never go out with me," blah, blah, blah. Many women loved everything about him, thinking that he was irresistibly cute and with that dazzling personality he wasn't so much breaking hearts as leaving a lot of women confused. Finally, an overwhelming woman laid it on the line and he and his wife will be celebrating their 10th anniversary this December. He sold all but a few of his porn movies and he has that sort of ex-smokers attitude about porn now. I also learned, after the wedding, that the luggage held up throughout the European honeymoon.

He's an interesting and fun guy to be around. Someone that I genuinely miss (and really wish that I'd known his wife better). A good person. A very good person. A better person (and I am only judging him, not anyone else)... a better person for making a choice that no one asked him to make.

Hmm. Maybe I do have an anti-porn streak in me. Maybe I don't want to understand it. Don't get the idea, though, that I've any confusion about sex! As in two or more joined in married or unmarried bliss and, honestly now, yes, the digital girls stay forever young but you'll never be able to push their head under the covers after a wretching fart.

You don't think that the latter is important? Try it with an iPad. Rip, then push. Then, try it with a woman that you love. You won't get a slap on the shoulder or a yell in the ear from the iPad. The iPad won't remind you of the incident hundreds of times over the remaining years of your life.

Maybe that's my real problem with porn; the fakery. The pretense. Mixing that all together and saying... this was my love.

I've been writing this for 20 hours or so and I'm drawing a blank. I'd best just submit and try to sleep. All day, I've been seeing large dogs from the corners of my eyes. And hearing them growl. It's usually on a tug boat.

Submit.