Ok, I was diagnosed a few years ago with PTSD. I have all the stuff that puts me safely there (panic attacks, flashbacks, emotional flashbacks, etc, etc, etc....). I accepted this diagnosis fairly easily but it still didn't completely explain some things. The more I looked into things, the more I realized that it looked more like just like the complex ptsd EXCEPT for a few areas. I have struggled with whether these 'other things' are just parts of my feelings and thoughts that I don't want to exist like emotional stuff. But that never seemed right either... so let me get to the question.

I have noticed for as long as I can remember that there are times that I feel like an infant (especially If at home and I hurt myself like bumping my head). Now I just assumed that most people feel that way nad put on an adult fast and say a curse word or something (I do and feel that way sometimes to). But other times, I FEEL completely like a very young child and even want a blanket or to suck my thumb and start saying things like "oowiee, I got a booboo" and want to cry. It's usually not even that bad of a hurt when "that" feeling happens. Again, I have blown that off for years to just be what everyone else feels but knows better then to show it just like I know better then to let it out if anyone is around.

I have been working a couple years with a wonderful therapist and the more we have worked, the more I have begin to 'notice' some other things. There seems to be a little girl that is 'happy and giddy, but completely stupid and niave' that has seem to come to my 'mind' more and more when the therapist does things that show he cares or tries to help. I can 'almost hear' (I don't know how to explain it) her telling us to 'let him help, he wants to help us, he cares about us, and things like that). I know feel an almost real battle between her and I about keeping her in check and not letting her be seen. My therapist even said we could text when/if the flashbacks got to bad or we were really feeling we needed to reach out and she went crazy and wants to sooooo bad. I fought it for a long time and then I started texting some. I feel COMPLETELY GUILTY when it happens, but it is like she is all excited.

Also, I have always had and felt this 'thing' inside that stays hidden in a corner that feels terrified and to me is disgusting and I never let out of its cage. There also seems to be something or somethings filled with emotions that 'seep' out until I can force them back in place but I don't seem to see an image or feel a 'person' with them. I guess my question really is regarding whether those of you with true DID are able to keep your alters in place and NOT let them out. Because that's kind of what it feels like I have had and done all these years. She wants to take over so bad and I wont let her. I have noticed the last few days that when I am home alone, I let her talk to our therapist and she talks to him just like a little 4 or 5 year old girl and says things I would NEVER EVER let myself say. I don't know if these are just 'ego states' within me that I am just accepting parts of myself, or if the more work in therapy we are doing and the more compassion he has shown is starting to 'unlock the cage doors' (which is what it truly feels like to me because I actually have a visual image of these 'things/people/whatever'.. locked behind these cage doors all my life).

I do NOT want to start talking to me therapist about what feels like people inside me if it is truly just states everyone else, like the different hats put on in different situations and as I have understood DID, people can NOT control their alters from 'taking over' or taking centered stage and I seem to be able to keep these 'things' in me from surfacing. It is getting harder to keep the doors shut and locked and this one particular girl wants out to talk to the therapist soooo very bad, but I keep telling myself that is probably just me wanting and excuse to say things I wish I could allow myself to say. I just don't know if I am making excuses for the possibility to excuses to make sure it is not possible. Honestly, I am ok either way but don't want to create what doesn't exist either.... sigh

I know that nobody here can diagnose, but I would sure love to hear what you thing.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and for any insight you can give me.