It was unfortunately close to the end of my session today when I was finally able to say this. I really could've used more time to process. But I was finally able to express why my panic attacks have been frightening to me, and the only words that sounded right were "trauma based". So t asked me if this feeling reminded me of an incident I'd shared with her from a concert. It was a good try, that's probably the most traumatic incident I've ever told her about, but it wasn't relevant. So I finally admitted that I'd been sexual assaulted in college. I don't think I've ever told anyone about it before.

If it hadn't been such a somber topic, I think t would've jumped up cheering. It was like I solved the puzzle of me for her by telling her that. She said that it was no wonder I've been experiencing the things I've been feeling lately, with that in my past. We couldn't spend much time on it, and I had to really stuff my feelings back down. But it'll probably be the main topic at our next session.

It's a little scary to go back to what happened. I did a tiny bit of work on it, not even in a therapeutic setting, and was convinced it was dealt with. But I guess it isn't, and now the hard part starts.

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