i dont have a pdoc anymore because my old one wouldnt listen...
they misdiagnosed me and when i tried to explain why i didnt agree they just put it off as a manic bipolar upset about a diagnosis or something...
so after 4 years of bipolar "treatment" i just quit because i wasnt getting anywhere with that... i dont really remember though so i guess its fine...
im just waiting for insurance so i can get a real doctor... to find out what is really going on...
the old pdoc didnt care... the last appointment i had with him i had tapered myself off quite a few of the meds because i had asked him about switching them or loewring the dose or coming off some of them and he refused to consider anything...
and i guess it made him mad because i found out he put in my record that i was non compliant and a bunch of stuff... just because i tried to educate myself and refute a misdiagnosis because i want to know what is really happening so i can get better...
maybe i messed up... i dont think i did... i dunno, now i dont have a doc and im not taking any medicine besides wellbutrin which my gp is giving to me but she doesnt want to refill any klonopin or anything else because my complex issues scare her or something... and she wants me to get a pdoc...
i got a new diagnosis from psychologist after i left the clinic but im afraid thats a misdiagnosis too... my head is just messed up and the doctors cant figure me out...
i hate it...
i wish i could give up but that wouldn't fix anything...
i struggle with self harm because its the only sane feeling i can have... that is REAL...
but im an idiot... im not in danger though... its fine...
i just want to escape...

i dunno what was wrong with me last night or when i wrote this... i know it was strange... and i remember i kept waking up shocked and feeling the same way...
but today i just feel mixed... its like smiling making an angry face, confused face and crying at the same time... but the smile is just for show of course... not happy.... no mania... no euphoria... its not bipolar... im being ripped apart by miy mind..

i dont have anything i can do ... i dont want to go to the hospital because it makes me worse... i cant get help when im in there because its all fake, im not able to be myself there... and they cant see anything wrong with me... atleast whats really wrong...
the last time i cried through the whole interview and they just told me they want to work with me to make a plan for me to get out and get a job and move into a house on my own and blablablabla and i started spinning because i was like wtf i cant cope with this stupid life i have here where i can hide in a corner how am i going to deal with any of that... and then they wouldnt let me leave until 8 days later... which i just ended up .. i guess i just ... i didnt lie, i just wasn't there i guess... i got out and went home and got drunk... probly high too... i cant remember... i just know that anything to do with me being somewhere where someone is going to be watching me is going to make me not be myself and they wont be able to help... and i end up just having a bunch of anxiety for no good reason...

i dunno, im tired... i just want a break...
i dont have any drugs or medicine or alcohol or any doc or thereapist to call and im just "S.O.L" with nothing i can do about it right now... and i have to contain my self and keep a decent enough composure so that my family doesnt freak out and want to take me to the hospital... and i dont want anyone to know whats really inside of me...
i dont even want to know...

im just tired... and im tired of myself... and tired of not getting anywhere.... or understanding anything... being confused... forgetting everything... i just dont know...
i think that i really just am insane...

im sorry... im fine...
im just going to block it all for how ever long it takes to get a new doctor... as best i can... i have blocked everyting else out.. its just so hard tokeep doing it because its been going on for so long there are cracks in the blindfold and its creeping out... and im not ready...
i just wanna turn it off for a while... im going to be fine... i just have to be patient... thats all.. im so crazy...