years ago there was actual communication. but barriers went up in 2007, and they all went quiet for a few years except for some things here and there.

now that things in my life have stabilized more, it's like they just became more active. i assume it's because it's now 'safe' for things to be worked on/for them to be more active. the last few months have been similar to how it was when they were active years ago minus the communication aspect. once i decided to share more details with my psychiatrist more about them thinking it was safe and i was stable to do so, it triggered things.

i can only feel walls/barriers, and i am struggling daily where there are times i can just feel intense emotions that vary from way inside. it feels like things are just..stuck..and there is no way it can get out..so it creates horrible feelings that sometimes become unbearable mixed with dissociation at the same time. this has been going on now since about september but changing in severity the last while..and changing in other ways.

i don't think they can talk except random things here and there that seem to make it to me...but overall..it's like they just cannot communicate like needed. all i get at rare times are random sentences not connected to anything i know..and feelings.

that is why i'm trying to fast track it...or break down some of the barriers..i'm well aware of how it 'could' be since i have experienced it before which kind of concerns me because of how certain ones are...but i feel like it has to be done..or at least attempted. something needs out. writing only does so much at this point..and trying to talk to them.

i also just want to be able to function better than i am currently. so hoping it doesn't do the opposite.