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Originally Posted by monalisasmile
I have often found myself wondering the very same thing Soccer mom. I have had five different ts who were very different in their way of working. Some had very right boundaries and others very loose. I find myself working better with the ts who have loose boundaries.
I tend to agree with ruh Roh about pathologising shame and needs and wants, this is a ts projection onto a client and it has no place in therapy. It's not right or wrong to have needs and wants it's normal and it's all about exploring these together and a finding a way with your therapist to work together. Ts tend to be curious about why you need their reassurance and I think your ex t missed out on some really good work with you here and I am sorry she was so awful and unkind. Perhaps she thought she was doing you a favour but it turned out she wasn't and was missy tuned to your needs from the start.
Since I started seeing clients I can see clearly how there needs to be flexible boundaries with most clients and strict with some, this is a decision you make with the client by discussing their needs. A t does not get to decide what you need and don't need. Therapy is a calibration between t and client, that's were the respect, healing and self actualisation begins. I really see progress being made with your new t 
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I forgot that you have clients now. I think one of the major issues I've realized with ex-T. is that I did have needs and ones she could meet but she was unwilling. She was willing to hear about my needs but then wouldn't help me explore them. And, for the first time in my life, I ignored my intuition and tried to make the relationship work. Your response reminds me of something my current T. said - she wants to meet her clients where they are. So, if right now I need more support that is ok. Ex-T. wanted me to change how I viewed my needs without any flexibility on her part. She would say "there's your need of sympathy coming out" but would not offer any sympathy. So, the more she was unsympathetic/invalidating/unreassuring, the more I wanted it. You're right, she missed some great opportunities for work by letting her own insecurities/temperament get in the way.
Ex-T. made me feel that no therapist should meet any of your needs - those are for you to figure out in your real life. I understand to a degree but if I need validation right now to understand my feelings, then that is a basic need that could be fulfilled.
After receiving a bill from her, I told her I didn't realize our sessions were only 45 min (vs 50-60). I said I wished she had gone over boundaries/time/etc. She said she did. I said she never did and she said I must not have been listening. Regardless, I had been seeing her for 7 years off and on and consistently after my mom died. And, of course, she never went over them even after that comment or ask me if I need to talk about it. So, yes, she put a lot of shame on me.
Glad you've noticed the progress with new T. Friends and family have said how much better I am now that I'm away from ex-T. I didn't realize how much damage she was doing until I got away from her.