just an update... I did go to my support group last night and was pretty open with them. I acknowledged how much pain I was in from going back to the past. I admitted that I was really struggling with escaping the pain through alcohol or food. I didn't mention cutting, I'm not that comfortable with them.. I agree with Dexter in that I feel I need to push myself out of my comfort zone to gain any comfort/healing. it is so hard to go back to the past and my childhood, but maybe if I acknowledge the ways that my beliefs about self and family were formed in that pain. Maybe I do have some value in this world....