Quote:
Originally Posted by Soccer mom
I forgot that you have clients now. I think one of the major issues I've realized with ex-T. is that I did have needs and ones she could meet but she was unwilling. She was willing to hear about my needs but then wouldn't help me explore them. And, for the first time in my life, I ignored my intuition and tried to make the relationship work. Your response reminds me of something my current T. said - she wants to meet her clients where they are. So, if right now I need more support that is ok. Ex-T. wanted me to change how I viewed my needs without any flexibility on her part. She would say "there's your need of sympathy coming out" but would not offer any sympathy. So, the more she was unsympathetic/invalidating/unreassuring, the more I wanted it. You're right, she missed some great opportunities for work by letting her own insecurities/temperament get in the way.
After receiving a bill from her, I told her I didn't realize our sessions were only 45 min (vs 50-60). I said I wished she had gone over boundaries/time/etc. She said she did. I said she never did and she said I must not have been listening. Regardless, I had been seeing her for 7 years off and on and consistently after my mom died. And, of course, she never went over them even after that comment or ask me if I need to talk about it. So, yes, she put a lot of shame on me.
Glad you've noticed the progress with new T. Friends and family have said how much better I am now that I'm away from ex-T. I didn't realize how much damage she was doing until I got away from her.
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"Ex-T. made me feel that no therapist should meet any of your needs - those are for you to figure out in your real life. I understand to a degree but if I need validation right now to understand my feelings, then that is a basic need that could be fulfilled."
I disagree with your ex t in the above quote. A therapist cannot meet all of our needs but therapy is about exploring these needs together. Therapy is real and can be very reparative if your t is willing to explore how it is you need to heal. It seems very cruel for someone to know what you need to heal but to deny you of the chance to heal. It is like a doctor knowing you need a type of medicine to survive but withholding the medicine because he wants you to figure out how to cure yourself. Sometimes we need a little help and guidance, a push in the right direction. I think your needs are important and deserve to be met with respect, dignity and curiosity not shame. Perhaps she was shamed for being needy or having needs that weren't met part of growing up is getting some needs met and having others denied, your needs were within her means and yet she refused to met them. I find this behaviour cruel and shaming. I am glad you are getting some of those needs with new t. It amazes me how you had the courage to see another t after your experience with her!
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