yeah... the testing was interesting... he asked me a few times if i wanted to take a break but i just wanted to continue to finish it

im just stressed out i guess.. this depressive episode has been probably the worse...
it got really bad in february and i became completely unable to do anything... i didnt eat for 5 days atleast... didnt move very much at all.. didnt talk... i've lost 20+ pounds since january...
then something happened and it was like i was somewhere else, i guess it just caused me to go blank for a few days... or weeks or something.. and now its just come back and making me feel insane... its really confusing... and im not really sure how i used to feel, if i ever did feel anything other than this, because i just keep having flashbacks of how things were going at different periods... what was happening and how i was trying to handle different things happening... and... i have not done well... i thought i was doing ok with things back then but i can see that i was really not.. some how i just wasnt aware of it... even though it was bad... i've destroyed all my relationships i had with everyone..
not in an angry way, but i guess i just pushed everyone away... i behaved in ways that were really... i was stupid, i didnt have any friends in the outside world, some people knew me.. but the few people i spent more time with online i just didnt act right and i let things happen that i should of known better... i dunno who i am anymore...
how could i be so out of control... but so calm... a silent storm... viciously wreaking havoc on inner layers... invisible to the observers including myself...
what a bloody waste of time... what a shame... and now everyone of my family thinks that i am completely nuts... which i guess i am... people have gotten where they wont even ask certain things because they already know... they will stay at a distance from me because they know i dont want to be close to anyone... and all i want to do is just make it stop... but its not fixable.. i cant fix it.. i cant undo whats been done... just like the scars on my body everyone will always see...
what was i thinking... i cant even hold my 1 year old niece because i cant deal with contact... she makes me smile though... what beauty is in the little ones...
but i tell myself that its ok, it wasnt really my fault... things happened to me and caused part of me to retreat into a hidden cave in my mind to not be exposed to the elements of the world, of people... and when i moved forward without that part i was not able to do the right things... more things happened to compuund the issues... i caused more pain... but it wasnt my fault... because i couldnt control things outside of me... especially when i cant even control things inside of me... and being so little you just cant control others... or stop them...
i feel so broken... i dont want to think about it... but im just so... i can think of so many words to say... grrr...
i feel like a demon is clawing at me from the inside... i feel it... my chest... shoulders... neck... some day it will escape... or its going to kill me... i dunno what it is or why i feel these things.. im so pathetic... im so ashamed of myself... im so guilty... geez...
i wish i wasnt.... i wish i were stronger... i wish i could do more for my family... all i can do is hide... i cant be around anyone for too long... because the masks i wear are temporariy... and they will fade if i have to be around anyone for too long... the more people, the faster it fades... i just want out.... i hate this... i hate....
i dunno why im writing anything here... just to bring more pain and shame...
i guess thats all i deserve.... this is my prison... and there is no esape or release...
why do i deserve this... i feel so disgusting... some flashbacks just make me want to fovimt ....

im going to go away... i am grateful to everyone... you are all lovely people...
im sorry about my foolishness... i wish i had more beautiful things to share...
im going to go sit in the eye of the storm... where oblivion resides...
much love... thanks for everything
i am fine... be well..