As some of you here know by now, I’ve had depression since February 2015. So far, I’d say it probably peaked at about September-October of that year. That’s not to say it’s been easy during the other times, because it hasn’t. it’s awful. It’s really ****ing awful. But over the last few months… I was almost starting to believe that maybe I was improving.

Then my grandmother, who turned 60 last December, got non-hodkins lymphoma. This is the week she’s finding stuff out like what kind of chemo therapy she’ll need, etc., and as emotional support for her and also a babysitter for my cousins while my aunt takes my grandmother to her appointments, I’m at her house for a week and a half. It’s been 6 days and I don’t get out of here till Sunday.

I knew when I decided to come here that it would be emotionally intense for me as well. As, again, some of you surely know, I have a best friend who acts as my primary confidante. I don’t know why he loves me or why he stands by me, and yet, he still does. But anyway. I was scared to come here for so long and didn’t think I was emotionally strong enough myself to handle it alone, so he agreed to call me fairly often. We’ve been spending at least an hour every night on the phone (the other night we accidentally talked for 3), and I know that’s had a huge effect on my ability to cope with this. I know I would have fallen apart already if I didn’t have that.

Even still, being around this is worsening my depression again. I haven’t felt genuinely suicidal in months and I have started to again during the last week or so. I told my friend last night that if my grandmother does die of this cancer, especially in the next 5 years or less, that I wanted him to make me live with him for a while so that he could monitor me. I think he would. Now she may not die of this cancer. It’s way too early to say that. And she certainly may not die in the next 5 years.

But. Yeah this isn’t great. I don’t know. I’m going to get through this next week and then try to recover. I don’t know how I think I’m going to do that.

How am I supposed to help this woman emotionally cope with starting chemo when I want to kill myself over… nothing, really. I’m petty. I’m so ****ing petty. But I still don’t know how to stop being petty.

I don’t know what I’m asking for. Probably sympathy, mostly. Maybe something about how to deal with emotionally stressful environments when you’re depressed yourself. Thanks.