Thread: messed up...
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Old Apr 19, 2016, 05:03 PM
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amandalouise amandalouise is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: 8CS / NYS / USA
Posts: 9,171
Quote:
Originally Posted by elevatedsoul View Post
yeah... the testing was interesting... he asked me a few times if i wanted to take a break but i just wanted to continue to finish it

im just stressed out i guess.. this depressive episode has been probably the worse...
it got really bad in february and i became completely unable to do anything... i didnt eat for 5 days atleast... didnt move very much at all.. didnt talk... i've lost 20+ pounds since january...
then something happened and it was like i was somewhere else, i guess it just caused me to go blank for a few days... or weeks or something.. and now its just come back and making me feel insane... its really confusing... and im not really sure how i used to feel, if i ever did feel anything other than this, because i just keep having flashbacks of how things were going at different periods... what was happening and how i was trying to handle different things happening... and... i have not done well... i thought i was doing ok with things back then but i can see that i was really not.. some how i just wasnt aware of it... even though it was bad... i've destroyed all my relationships i had with everyone..
not in an angry way, but i guess i just pushed everyone away... i behaved in ways that were really... i was stupid, i didnt have any friends in the outside world, some people knew me.. but the few people i spent more time with online i just didnt act right and i let things happen that i should of known better... i dunno who i am anymore...
how could i be so out of control... but so calm... a silent storm... viciously wreaking havoc on inner layers... invisible to the observers including myself...
what a bloody waste of time... what a shame... and now everyone of my family thinks that i am completely nuts... which i guess i am... people have gotten where they wont even ask certain things because they already know... they will stay at a distance from me because they know i dont want to be close to anyone... and all i want to do is just make it stop... but its not fixable.. i cant fix it.. i cant undo whats been done... just like the scars on my body everyone will always see...
what was i thinking... i cant even hold my 1 year old niece because i cant deal with contact... she makes me smile though... what beauty is in the little ones...
but i tell myself that its ok, it wasnt really my fault... things happened to me and caused part of me to retreat into a hidden cave in my mind to not be exposed to the elements of the world, of people... and when i moved forward without that part i was not able to do the right things... more things happened to compuund the issues... i caused more pain... but it wasnt my fault... because i couldnt control things outside of me... especially when i cant even control things inside of me... and being so little you just cant control others... or stop them...
i feel so broken... i dont want to think about it... but im just so... i can think of so many words to say... grrr...
i feel like a demon is clawing at me from the inside... i feel it... my chest... shoulders... neck... some day it will escape... or its going to kill me... i dunno what it is or why i feel these things.. im so pathetic... im so ashamed of myself... im so guilty... geez...
i wish i wasnt.... i wish i were stronger... i wish i could do more for my family... all i can do is hide... i cant be around anyone for too long... because the masks i wear are temporariy... and they will fade if i have to be around anyone for too long... the more people, the faster it fades... i just want out.... i hate this... i hate....
i dunno why im writing anything here... just to bring more pain and shame...
i guess thats all i deserve.... this is my prison... and there is no esape or release...
why do i deserve this... i feel so disgusting... some flashbacks just make me want to fovimt ....

im going to go away... i am grateful to everyone... you are all lovely people...
im sorry about my foolishness... i wish i had more beautiful things to share...
im going to go sit in the eye of the storm... where oblivion resides...
much love... thanks for everything
i am fine... be well..











I know this wont mean much right now ...you are not alone. many of us have fallen into the trap of wanting to figure things out on our own so we form an opinion of what we may have, then research to all ends of the earth and internet, then have that big let down when the actual diagnostic evaluations show what we have been so sure we had, so sure it fits, based on this or that article end up being something completely different.

my suggestion is to have a seat, take time to breath and according to what you posted the treatment provider is going to follow up with you on the test results and your treatment plans, and is all for updating your treatment options to better control your problems. This is a really good thing because now no matter what the problems were and are you will be getting the help that you need to feel better soon.

again I know that right now knowing this probably doesnt help much, please take care of yourself and give your self time to process the fact that the tests showed you have ADHD, depression and anxiety. then meet with the treatment providers who are in the best position to help you through this.