Jpander,

Even though my marriage was over after 8 months, it wasn't until one child and 6 years later that my wife filed for the divorce that I should have filed for at that 8 month juncture.

During that 6 years we separated, we had a few arguments and we reconciled. I didn't drive her into the affair that she had at 8 months, but I know that I drove her to file for the divorce. I think. She never told me the reason that she divorced me – maybe she was just the first to admit to being miserable (because I certainly was; just not enough to have my son suffer through a divorce).

Anyway, my wife flip-flopped, too. We didn't know that we had to stop sleeping together, for instance, before the filing could proceed. Little things, anytime that she might need my help, would make her cry and say, over and over, "I don't know how I'm going to make it without you."

So my wife (ex-wife... it's just simpler to write 'wife') was similar to yours in that she vacillated between wanting to divorce or continue our marriage. I loved my wife, too. I fought the divorce – something really stupid to try these days – and it wasn't until I moved out that the white Volvo was parked in our drive every evening that I completely caved and gave her far, far more than she'd asked for.

I can only see these things from my POV, naturally, but if I were you I would go ahead with the divorce as quickly as possible, move on and never look back. I was once a proponent of marriage at almost any cost, particularly with children involved. Maybe I still am in the latter cases.

But in your case it sounds as if there has been an irreconcilable breakdown in communications and, with that gone, the marriage might as well be over legally as well.

My ex-best friend's newly divorced father put it best, after 5 or 6 scotches: "Women are dirty, rottin', stinkin', liars, each and every one of 'em!" Well, not best maybe, but the point that he was trying to make, I think, is that trust is not easy to regain and that if you can't communicate about large and small concerns then you've lost one of the basic tenets of marriage.

I also used to believe that every partner who filed for divorce did so for selfish and self-motivated reasons. I still believe that to be the case frequently.

When I think, though, of the more probable happy outcome for both my wife and myself had I filed for divorce at the time of her infidelity, I cringe a bit. I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want to admit failure so soon and I loved her. I had other justifications, but my mind is going on vacation right now and my reasoning skills are going south.

It may seem more like the negotiation of a business contract but, were I you, I would create a schedule, with deadlines, to discuss the issues that you need to discuss with your wife. If she doesn't like the idea of a schedule or doesn't feel like discussing a subject at a scheduled time – tough. Marriage requires rules and schedules, too.

Who knows what she's thinking? Not allowing you in on what she's thinking, that's certain. If you don't want to go insane wondering what she wants you to think that she's thinking, I would consider putting an end date on that schedule. That may seem harsher and colder than the schedule itself but as my loss of sanity proves, you can't always trust your emotions. I wish that you could – I'd like to think that love is so pure that it would never lead you to make wayward decisions.

You and your wife will suffer regardless of the decisions that you both make. It doesn't matter which of you files, one or both of you will feel betrayed and/or rejected. Since you've been together for 6 years there may be 'things' that you've collected together that might cause petty squabbles. Really strange things might come up. You may find an inner-pettiness that you didn't know that you had. In a perfect world, every divorce would be a $400/30-day divorce – and if you do decide to divorce (and you have no children?) that kind of divorce is just as good as a divorce with a horde of lawyers on both sides.

I edited this to add something, but nodded off. I'll say it again. I hate this life. Good luck in making a decision. I hope that you'll not be confused for much longer and genuinely wish you the very best.

Just suggestions: suggestions I wish that I had thought of a long while ago.