Anoncat, your despair is palpable.

I'm so sorry you're suffering like this. Have you spoken to a doctor about how you feel? If not, there are treatments that can help you feel like you again.

In the meantime, if typing here has helped, even a little, I urge you to phone a crisis or support line. Numbers for helplines in your country will be in the sticky at the top of this forum.

The other day I phoned the Samaritans (the helpline for uk) with some similar thoughts to what you have described. They really helped me to explore how and why I'm thinking this way. The lady did not judge or offer opinions, but discussing it helped me release the pressure and the thoughts have had less power since then.

I hope so much that you can get the support you need and deserve.

While you're alive, there is still a chance of healing.