im sorry about posting so sadistically, im having a difficult time holding a humane composure (atleast in the realm of the internet where i seem to lose control easily)
my intentions are to step away and to just stop thinking about those things until i can get help, just let the symptoms do whatever they do without being the over analytical person that i tend to be
it doesn't matter to know symptoms anyway

the psychological report is from january, so things have of course became worse since then... not in the sense that they actually became worse, just that the gravity of how bad things are has became more apparent, as well as the depression increasing greatly..
the psychologist seemed intelligent and interested in me, i liked him
but he was at a hospital and i only saw him one time so he only knows what he has seen first hand and what the other doctors have wrote in the notes (im assuming..) and im sure what the last pdoc wrote in the notes is not going to be helpful because he is a douche bag jerk off that was just drifting through a few last months to get to his retirement not interested in listening to anything atleast i had to say, i do not know how he treated his other patients

my mind is a work of art, that is one thing that can be ascertained
and i would like for an interpreter (a capable doctor) to help me paint the picture

until then i am freezing everything, i am having a lot of memory problems but i am fine; it is actually quite encouraged at this point

i just want to apologize for behaving foolishly childish because i am going to try to avoid talking about any thing in my head, anything pertaining to me or psychology

it is that i have just been having a hard time telling dream from life, i guess one could say
living outside of time
but be that as it is, i am going to take advantage of it and leave everything behind
i am clearly not ready to know what happened to me, even if i was ready, now is not the time

i just want to extend my appreciation to everyone that has taken their precious time to put up with any delirious rants i surely put forth; i am incontestably avoiding going back to see what i said because i am putting it out of my mind..
my sincerest apologies, i am ashamed and should not has allowed it

i am fine, everything will be the way it should be; i know that i am supposed to get a doctor and i am waiting for this disability thing to come through - if it is cleared and when the insurance is cleared i will surely find out what is wrong, and treat it if possible

i do enjoy talking with people here, very intelligent lot you all are... but im afraid of creating problems for anyone, my worst fear is hurting people
and seeing as this post is 3 pages long i have probably concerned some and i don't want anyone to be concerned, so don't worry; all is well
i love you all

i hope to see you all soon, i hope that you all can forget the filthy things that has been said; i don't want anyone to think dirty things of me

may we continue through the cosmos with great aspirations for knowledge and wisdom