Hey, guy,

I'm afraid that I've been writing all around you without offering any suggestions, trying to understand what I don't 'get' about porn. I've pretty much given up on that endeavour but I would like, if you're willing, to talk about what may be "wrong" with you and help you as you think of possible solutions.

If I can think of anything that might help, we could always use the Private Message function to communicate? Just a thought.

You started by saying that you don't really like talking about this problem with your sexuality. That's normal for anyone. When I started my downhill road to, what I thought was, total impotency, I can't even begin to tell you the negative feelings that I had to grapple with. I had always been a very highly-charged sexual person and while I didn't define myself primarily by my sexual identity (in a world full of heterosexuals, I was just another) I did think of sex as an essential part of my life. Not EXACTLY like food, but like GOOD food. It was also something that I enjoyed and something that I was good at. The latter was certainly an ego-booster and the liking it was just normal, I thought.

I don't know what your primary emotions are when you think that you may lose your sex drive but I think that my biggest two were fear and shame. Fear that I was going to lose that part of me forever (which I largely did) and shame that I would never be able to give a woman that part of my love again (pretty much true, as well). I'm not trying to make you feel all snappy-happy, but your condition is much more liable to be temporary; a direct result of the medications that you're on. And, as a few people, I think, have pointed out, with pornography there's no performance pressure. If you're unable to achieve an erection or to ejaculate, you're not going to feel ashamed and you're no going to hurt anyone's feelings.

I think that it's great that you're considerate of your wife and if Viagra is working for you, and you're not having many of the bad side-effects, I don't know if you really need to do anything at this point as long as you're on the psych meds. You don't say, but I get the impression that you've not talked this over with your wife? It may be difficult to do, it may even be something that you'd want to do with your pdoc, but I would think that the more that she understands, the more that she may be able to help. Whether it's you or the doc explaining, she should be made aware that your psych drugs are causing you to experience unwanted sexual side effects, that these side effects have nothing to do with her or your love for her, that (if she's not aware that you're using it already) Viagra may be able to help and that you need all of the love, support, ideas and problem solving skills that she can give you during this difficult time.

Stress that you recognise that this is a difficult time for you both. If you don't feel as though you both communicate well, now's the time to start. Don't allow, if you can possibly stop it, your mental illnesses destroy your marriage. You don't tell us much about yourself – age, years married, diagnoses, kids or not, med dosage, years of treatment, etc. Knowing those things can help in offering suggestions.

I truly hope that you'll be back.