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I feel bad for feeling this way. Like I'm not allowed to hold those negative feelings toward her.
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Yeah. In my own experience over many years there was crushing guilt if I believed anything negative about my alcoholic, narcissistic mother. It took those many years to be able to look at her more or less objectively without that guilt.
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I couldn't say I hate her, but there's a hidden anger inside me. Mostly though, I feel hurt and disappointed by the lack of care and protection. The lack of trust I have in her is a big factor in the way I feel too. How can you trust someone who has let you down so many times, on so many levels?
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You can't. For your own safety, you may just have to not to trust her--and accept that you'll feel guilty about not trusting her--rather than assuage those feelings of guilt by trusting her and thereby risk/expect further hurtful behavior on her part.
You stated above that she treats you poorly and without affection. In the last five years, for example, when were there times (if ever) that she was kind and affectionate to you, consistently, for (say) two months' time? One month's time?
(((((ThingWithFeathers)))))