You can do it, just don't drink today. Don't touch it. Pour it out. Go to an AA meeting. Reach out for help to an addictions therapist. I went to rehab, then intensive outpatient therapy, AA, and now a program called aftercare. My life has opened up into a fabulous new world. I'm painting cool pictures, playing the guitar, writing poetry. Best of all, I have friends. It's not always happy but it's a life I am loving. I am starting to love myself instead of drinking 'at' things I am dealing with it as it comes up. Addiction is horrible and it sounds like you are starting to kick it in its ugly *** by getting honest about it. Addiction is the only disease that says you don't have one. If a drunk and a drug addict like me could get sober, anyone can. You can do it. Pray.