Hi Stolen innocence,

Throughout my years in therapy, I've had the same problem to a large degree. Having come through most of it to the other side, I can tell you that there is no easy fix for this problem. It is an attachment problem, usually from very early childhood or even infancy. It usually is due to an inability for the child and parent to bond properly. The baby or child does not get enough of a sense of their parent being there for them and available in times of distress to "hold onto" an internal feeling of the parent's care or presence in their life unless they are literally, physically there with them. Unfortunately, when people have had this problem as children, it often rises up again for them in the therapy relationship. You might find that you feel a sense of connection with your t as long as you are in the room together. But once you leave the office, it feels like she is literally "gone." It is very painful, I know from personal experience!

Overall, it is a process that you will have to go through with your therapist's help. It's Ok to talk to her about your feelings, and how difficult it is for you to keep a feeling of connection with her after you leave your session. Sometimes, therapist's are willing to give their clients with object constancy problems something from their office to hold onto between sessions...it could be a pen, a small stone, anything that can be looked at and felt between sessions to remind you that your therapist and you have a connection and that, even though it feels like she is gone, she has not forgotten about you. The relationship continues even in the physical absence of each other. It can be difficult learning to "hang onto" an emotional connection without being visually together, but it can be learned. It takes time.

Another thing that might be helpful, if your therapist is willing to allow it, is to email once between sessions to touch base. This too can help remind you of the connection. However, some t's don't like to email, and with clients like us who have attachment problems, email can become a sticky matter where we can get too dependent on it and email too often. While email can be helpful for awhile to build a secure attachment with your therapist, you don't want to allow it to take the place of in-person communication, one on one, in your sessions. Email is still an "indirect" style of communication. T's generally prefer that you speak directly to them whenever possible.

Since t's are different in what they allow, I would suggest that you talk to your own t and ask her to help you develop more object constancy, so that you don't experience so much distress between sessions. If she doesn't permit email or give you an item to keep between sessions, she may have another idea.

I know this is painful stuff, but hang in there! It DOES get easier. But it does take time, practice, and trust in the therapy relationship.