Okay it's a little too late since your original post to stop yourself and the damage is done. But even if you are back to square one consider these things:

1. You didn't originally stop for FOUR YEARS for anyone else. You did it for you. Even if it was largely influenced by other people's concern for you, we never really try to better ourselves for other people. Change doesn't happen that way, and you're making big changes in your behavior.

2. What you did was AMAZING! I can't tell you how proud I am and how much respect I have for someone who held out against SI urges for as long as you did, and the fact that you had a relapse doesn't change that feeling for me at all. I only wish you could have received the support you needed when you needed it.

3. Since you originally stopped for YOU, you can do it again. Why? Because you will be a good example for others who struggle with the same thing. Because you won't have to clean up the blood or wrap yourself up anymore afterwords and can do other things instead. Because you're WORTH IT even if you don't believe it right now.

4. Let the people in your life know you need a reminder of how they feel sometimes. I'm sure they'd be more than happy to tell you they support you. <3