I've been up and down a lot lately, switching back and forth between the two. I posted about these another day, but I feel like my resiliency is rock bottom. I can be feeling relatively good (in the moment, I would probably say great, though it's certainly not objective), but one wrong turn or someone saying something to me can set me off and I dive off the deep end. I'll be depressed for days or longer, and it feels like there's no good reason for it.

So through this past several months of bouncing all over the place emotionally, I've been debating quitting martial arts, an activity that I've done for years with my husband (my kids do it too, in another class). When I've been feeling my best in the last many years, I've loved doing it. Lately, I've felt anxious about it and stressed. Super embarrassed since losing my cool there a few weeks back and having to leave the floor for basically the whole night, sitting it out in another room because I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I don't often let people see me when I'm upset/depressed, and it was devastating to me.

So I've really felt very strongly about quitting. I've been injured off an on for the past several years, and this is happening during one of those times when I can't work out anyway; I'm just there watching most of the time. I'm starting to be able to work out again, but I feel like it's not my interest anymore. Like I started it because my husband was interested and I wanted to do something as a family. But it's something he definitely enjoys MUCH more than I do. And I feel like I never have any time to do anything, because it takes up 6 hours a week of what would otherwise be free time. We have a busy schedule anyway, and the few nights I've stayed home have been so much calmer, not trying to rush in and out, working dinner around our attendance, racing to get home and get the kids in bed.

My problem here is that I can't tell if I really don't want to do it anymore, or if it's just the ups and downs and dealing with my depressions. This is really the ONLY activity that I participate in at all, outside of work. I don't really have anything else I'm particularly interested in. I'm afraid that if I quit, I'll completely lose myself in being just a mom & wife, not an individual at all. But then I wonder if I've already lost myself, because I'm feel like I'm doing this mostly as a support to my husband and kids.

I did go Tuesday night, and I had a relatively good time. I enjoy teaching. So I came home feeling like my mind has fed me all the stuff I just wrote above, and that's not reality...that in reality, I like it. Sometimes I feel like I'm so good at faking life most of the time, that I'm tricking myself sometimes, too. I don't know how to trust my impulses and instincts anymore - is my inclination to quit something that's just a short-term result of the depression? Or is it 'real'?

Can anyone relate to this...to feeling like you can't trust your feelings and thoughts when you're making decisions?