Hello handsomejack: The Skeezyks is an older person who has struggled with the "transgender imperative" (as it was referred to in one book I read) for many years... decades really. (Think Caitlyn Jenner without the medals... except I never transitioned.) As has been written, if you're trans, you're trans for life. It never goes away.

When I was growing up, the words "transgender" & "transsexual" hadn't even been coined yet. There were boys & there were girls. And if you didn't fit neatly into one of those categories, you darn well kept it to yourself, if you knew what was good for you. So I just grew up feeling weird & sort-of secretly perverted. I also, I think, developed something of a split personality. There was my external male persona & my secret inner female persona. I still have them both.

Anyway... I'm sorry you are struggling & have no one with whom you can share this burden... & it is a burden... I know. I do hope you will be able to find a therapist you can share this with. I understand your reluctance to talk to your Dad. My father is long since gone now. But I never told either him or my mother... or anyone else for many years. I can just imagine how my father would have reacted! I can just hear it: "Jesus, 'bud' (he used to call me 'bud') ... what the hell's the matter with ya...?"

Please don't despair! As tough as it is nowadays, conditions for trans individuals are light-years ahead, today, of what they were in my time.