Thank you all for your kind words. I just don't know what to feel right now. Whatever it was happend 2mts ago and I'm just now thinking about it. I haven't cried since that night and even now I don't feel it. I'm not angry or sad. It's odd. Even when I'm posting it's liek I'm talking about someone else. I see him a lot now that the semester has started. He's always friendly and I don't know how to respond to that.

I told one of my best guy friends about it the other night. He's like a brother (that phrase just seems so dirty now) we talk all the time and I can tell him anything. We were discussing my eating (i'm a ballet dancer and i somtimes struggle w/ food) and I told him i wanted to tell him something. Even though we were online I didn't want to tell it over agian. I didn't want to feel. So I sent him the post i put up here and he read it. He asked if he could call me and talk to me on the phone but I couldn't do it. I was to ashamed to speak to him directly. we talked for a while and he made me promise to talk to the councilors here at school.

I had an appointment with them at 9am today, but I couldn't make myself go. I was too embarassed. I was also terrified of what they would say or do. I was afraid they wouldn't beleive me. I also didn't want to be exposed or have to tell it all over again. On one level I want to tell someone and get it out and on another level I want to forget and never think about it.

My friend called me at 8:45 to see if I was going and I told him no. He said that he respected my decision. He said I didn't have to go or do anything I didn't want to do, but he would feel better if I went because I was starting to have eating issues (normally I'm a restricter, but since it happened I have had bulimic tendencies) So I called and told them I wasn't coming and made an appointment for Tuesday. However it's with a man. It was the soonest available time slot. I'm afraid.