Hi this is my first time posting here. I just want friendly opinions on what to do, this might be long so I understand if people don't read it.

I've had depression since I was a teenager. For the whole summer when I was 16, I basically laid in bed and cried and felt like crap. People use the word depression to describe different feelings I've realized, I believe there is different levels of depression. Mine is basically where I hate myself to the core. I just hate me. I know its a skewed perspective, there's lots of positive things about me to like but I can't wrap my brain around them or convince it to change. I'm 21 currently, and I was feeling better from my depression but in the last 6 months it has hit me again. I feel terrible. I got home from work today and just couldn't convince myself to do anything that I wanted to do like tan or go workout or even play video games. I just laid in bed and cried. Not like a little cry, like a hyper ventilating cry. I'm soo tired.. I don't like to share these thoughts with my friends and family because everyone, while they mean well, they just dont understand. I am here for some serious suggestions. I refuse to take not natural medication, I dont believe in it for myself. I don't know how to explain my feelings really... When I cry and feel crappy, I feel like I hurt so much. The pain of everything just hits me and it just hurts... I lost my dad 3 and a half years ago to suicide, but I've been depressed way before then. I feel like that doesn't help though, it's just more hurt that I try to shove away...