I've survived by believing T adores me, that I am the most special person in her life, that she could spend all her life with me.

Now the pendulum has swung the other way and I see through that delusion. Now I see her sitting there mildly amused at my delusions.

How could I have been so stupid to believe myself that special?

The shame that the delusion fends off is deep and intense.

Now I feel like I am conteminated and see my own self loathing in the eyes of T.

I don't want to go Monday with this inner knowledge.

Part of me feels like standing on a roof top and jumping, because there is nothing left.

If not special and wanted, then what?

Oh how could I have been so stupid.

These feelings are coming UP from deep inside of me, fanned by memorys of adoptive mum's critical statements.

I don't know where to go from here. But as I type that my head says, "go through it".

Is this the valley of the dead one has to go through to reach the light?

Surely I cannot be evil personified? There must be some middle ground?