i am a really friendly person
everyone adores me
people want to spend time with me
people want to get to know me

i love the idea of being close to friends
i love the idea of having people to rely on
i love the idea of being able to trust someone

but these things seem wrong
i can't do

i wear many masks to get through interactions in a minimal affect to which i can withdraw without making much attachment or requiring many demands because i can't handle it

i am terrified of anyone getting close to me, getting to know who i am or what i think, feel

i would like a friend, but i cant have any
i try, but when things start happening i will run away... not on purpose, but because my mind causes things to happen... when people start to consider me a friend, it scares me - i dont want to be someones friend.. because i know they cant be mine...

i have never had a friend before, no one has ever known who i am...
never, ever, ever, ever - not even as a child
people have only known my masks, it is something i cant change...
i started young to see the world through a set of eyes that would keep me from ever having any friend

it is hard when there is no one you can trust, because you dont even trust yourself