I've been on a downward spiral for the last week.

I've self-harmed three or four times, once in a place fairly noticeable if I'm not careful to cover it. Most of them were just desperate attempts to make my thoughts stop racing, the worst was outright self-punishment. None of it was more than scratches, but they bled like hell.

I got back into forum culture and at the moment my greatest joy in life is starting self-deprecating sh!tstorms online. I thought I was past this. Worse, any heavy or abstract thought is too painful to bear. I hate this weakness in me, but I can't stand it. I can't even cry anymore. I just stuff myself with food to make that heavy, I-want-to-cry feeling go away.

I was almost suicidal this morning thinking about my life and past - is there anything I've done that doesn't fill me with shame? I've even taken to lying a little online (at least, lies of omission...it doesn't feel that bad, actually. It gives me a weird sort of hope that someday soon it won't be a lie). They say when you're at rock bottom the only place you can go is up...but do I have the right ot do that? I've been on welfare for almost a year - what right do I have to ever live well, comfortably, let alone be successful? I entertain fantasies all the time of alternative lifestyles, good food, pretty clothes, a couple of ridiculous business ideas I could have once I'm off assistance, but then I think, what business do I have going on like that, when I'm nothing but welfare trash? I keep hoping someone can reassure me that once I'm financially independent, yes, I do have every right to these things, but I just can't believe it. It feels so wrong, the thought of going from total leeching dependency, being the scum of society, to...doing rich-person things.

Wow, that apprently bothered me more than I thought.

Everything seems to hurt and set me off. The littlest things, things I can't change. Abstract, factual truths, that are real and I can't change but they offend or terrify me and I know that's bad but I can't cope. I don't know why, it just does. I don't know how much more I can stand. I'm meeting with someone today, might be related to psych. If so...maybe they can get me on something to numb me out? That's all I want. Something to make my thoughts shut up, make the worry and fear and pain stop, something to just let me focus and live...