apparently i am not sick

the judge denied me benefits saying that i am not disabled

they have my diagnosis wrong, obviously they did not even look at the most recent report from the psychologist

i cant remember anything from when i was in the court room so i dont know what the **** i did or said

but im getting sick of it... im about to cut my hand off, tape down my fingers besides the middle finger, and mail it to them and tell them you stupid *****es **** you

they say i can do work, that i report being anxious, depressed and unable to communicate but i present myself in a calm friendly approachable manner - inconsistent with my claims
ignoring the facts that i can't drive, ride in cars, or leave the house...

the last pdoc said that i was noncompliant with medication and that i was abusing alcohol and marijuana not adhering to treatment which was causing my case not to improve (which is not true, i was doing alot for my treatment! and i would kick that old man in the face if i see him again)

they said i was BIPOLAR again stupid ****ing ***** mother ****ing **** *** federal **** face

they said that i claimed my G.E.R.D. was a problem, how stupid are they

GERD is a somatic symptom i have from severe anxiety

i am very sick but i am so sick that i can not present my symptoms, i am dieing, i am crying out for help but no one sees me
i want to be helped but i cant say anything, i cant talk about whats wrong with me, i cant show my tears, i cant show my scars, i cant bleed in front of someone

i can not handle this
please, please i beg... take my life from me...
i want this to end... i am tired of being confused... i am tired of crying alone... i am tired of trying to explain things... i am tired of people misunderstanding me... i am tired of misunderstanding myself... i am tired of myself... i am tired of this world... i am tired of the pain...
i am tired of people assuming what is wrong with me from some presentation that my body does... i cant control my body... i am tired of living in this prison... i cant do it anymore... how can i get help when my body does not let me... why does my mind do this to me... how is it possible for me to space out and be completely intelligible, coherent, calm, presentable, appearing perfectly capable and fine - exemplary - when underneeth these clothes i have bloody scars, cuts and marks that would scream to differ...
if i cant control my body then who knows whats going to happen to me now...
i cant do it... they wont help me... bleed, and bleed, and bleed some more... but i am not disabled... i can take care of myself i guess... not eating for days is normal... not showering is normal... not speaking or making eye contact is normal... fainting because you cant breathe is normal... your body burning from flames inside your mind is normal...

why do they ignore whats inside of me and only see these fake masks that my mind has created... if i smile, you better believe its cutting my insides like a million razor blades... but i do it to keep from hurting others...
i have lived like this my whole life and dont know what to do... i dont know how to change... i cant control it... i just want it to end...

i hate myself... i hate the world...

i go through so many things in a second... one second so many things happen in my mind... i want to turn it off forever...