I have my Maths final exam on 5th May. I already failed it a few times, I have terrible problems with learning this subject since primary school, had 3 private teachers, nothing helps. And unfortunately in this country you need to pass this in order to get to uni and if you don't, then all of your other results will be erased from the system in 2018. I'm 21, I should already be gone to uni two years ago... I can't take it again, I don't even leave the house since I've lost my job in January, and now I have to go and spend two hours in a school bench. It's so embarassing here not to pass basic Maths, people call you stupid and retarded. And I have some great results from other subjects, because I was a pretty gifted student. Yet all of my peers are so far ahead of me.

I hate always feeling so worse, because this is not the only thing I have difficulties in.

I don't speak to anybody anymore.

Despite all of this understanding of myself I've gained, I still feel like I can't go on. The rage, the sadness, the intrusive thoughts are all haunting me.

I feel I'm somehow feral all the time. This stops me from doing anything, from going anywhere, because I fear I will do something crazy. I don't feel sane. Never. I have terrible insanity phobia, constantly checking myself for schizophrenia symptoms. It's so exhausting. And these intrusive thoughts about suicide are really distressing too. Because on one hand I wish to know myself and to live my life, but on the other- I feel I cannot accept myself, that I don't want to be who I am.