um.. im going through different shifts.. so please forgive me... i hope i dont offend anyone....

everyone in my life wants to support me... but i dont think they can handle the things inside of me....
i think they feel like, you know... when someone is sad, you comfort them.. but you dont expect a dam to break...

if i started to open up to one of them i wouldnt be able not stop and after i would see that they cant handle it and i would be so ashamed... i dont think i would be able to live with myself after that...

it would effect them on so many levels... some would blame themselves...

i want to talk but they cant handle it...

its complicated because its my child hood... and i already know my dad blames himeself for some things... if i open up and show whats inside of me it would crush him i feel like...
i dont want to hurt anyone... its not his fault... he caused some of the things... but it happened... he lost control and it wasnt him... he is different now... he is taking care of me... i dont want to hurt him....

its not all him... my brothers... i just... ive taken it from all angles... every abuse... i just dunno how they moved on like nothing happened....
and why i live like this... living multiple lives... having the face that people see, the prodigy, genious (that is declining) the angry me that bursts out in rage at a triggers notice... and the insides of all of me... the pain... the pain... the pain.... why is it the pain... i shouldnt feel pain....

im learning that i want to abuse substances because to turn this off.... i started at 10... 12..13.. years old... i dunno...
i cant remember anything... but pain... and the lies... my lies... my facade, the masks that come out and show themselves to the world around me... keeping this pain wrapped up... unable to heal... i cant do this... i cant do this... icant dothis....

please.... pretty please.... im so sorry...