I've stopped leaving the house since January and seeing people as well. I spend time mostly on my own, contemplating myself and the reasons why I'm all alone again and why my personality caused someone to physically and verbally attack me. I only see my parents, both very narcissistic and I know that I'm also a Narcissist.
Let's say that I started to see myself as I really am and that makes me depressed. I don't want to deal with people anymore, I cannot let myself go out. It's not that I totally resent myself, but also I am very scared that I won't be able to..."lead" myself, have control over such wired and weird personality.
Actually, I cannot stop myself from thinking, that as a Narcissist, I cannot be a good person and that it's gonna get bad: I'm gonna end in jail, get crazy and/or hurt someone. I'm having really bad thoughts about murder and getting psychotic, which probably is just a part of my OCD. But then "what IF" comes out.
And then I get suicidal ideation because I start to feel that I cannot bear myself.