I've been doing what I know is not always helpful & googling my symptoms/feelings/behaviour and I came across the term Smiling Depression which seems also to be known as Walking Depression & possibly Atypical depression is the same or a similar set of signs & symptoms?

I was beginning to think there was something physically wrong with my brain because I have days when I wake up feeling better and wonder why I'd spent the days before crying at the drop of a hat & feeling so low that the dark thoughts permitate entire days & weeks.

I couldn't understand how if I am depressed going out with friends was still capable of making me feel happy. I felt like I was a fraud or going mad or had a physical brain problem because after that reprieve of the event the subsequent return of the feelings of despair & hopelessness are genuine too.

And I couldn't work out why if I really did feel so s**t how was I able to keep getting up, keep functioning, keep being there for others etc etc I thought I was going mad & that my mind was making me think I was depressed when all the time I maybe wasn't? And while on many days at the same time as doing everything I should do and is expected of me I know I'm so close to tears I can't believe people can't see straight through the facade (not that I want them to) or I can be at work or home and the dark thoughts that are going through my head and the fights I have with myself not to act on them because the triggers & means are all around me.....if anyone could read my mind they would have me hospitalised for my own safety. But I fight those thoughts and carry on with everyday life. It is exhausting and distracting and makes me slow at my job which makes me feel like a failure & rubbish at home which makes me feel like a failure as a wife & mother & the guilt that goes with it. It's hard to put it into a coherent form. I'm aware I'm rambling and probably not making sense but this is the only place I feel able to do this.....to try & explain what it's like inside me.

Anyway I read about Smiling Depression and it was like someone had got inside my head - it all suddenly made more sense. If anyone has been diagnosed with this form of depression and you don't mind sharing your experiences and what you do day to day compared to how you feel on the inside I'd be very grateful. Or if anyone knows of any helpful resources please let me know.

Thank you.