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drummergrl: He was WRONG.

I'm not comfortable with that statement. Throughout this thread I see many others acknowledging that angel87 found herself in a situation that placed her out of her comfort zone. She can recognize where she didn't communicate clearly or state where her boundaries were, perhaps because she wasn't too certain herself at the time.

While we would likely all prefer that our initiatory sexual experiences be beautifully orchestrated works, most of them aren't. They're awkward fumbling attempts at intimacy in the dark. We don't have a clear idea of what we're supposed to do or when we're supposed to do it and we don't usually have the skills to identify our own needs and desires, nor communicate them adequately. I think it needs to be allowed that the young man angel87 had this experience with could be every bit as uncertain as she was and remains. He probably did not have much sexual experience either. This makes him inexperienced, maybe even insensitive but it doesn't necessarily make him "wrong" or "the bad guy" or "a rapist".

What's important is how we frame and respond to our personal experience. For example, if we believe that "losing our virginity" should occur within a loving and committed relationship and it doesn't, we're going to feel badly about that. We might feel ashamed of our own actions and try to find a means of assigning blame so that we can assume a position of powerlessness, a way to assure ourselves that the events that unfolded were not "our fault" or that "we had no control". This is a means of self-delusion that may have some purpose in self-soothing for a time, but they are ultimately harmful if we stay in that place.

In order to be "empowered" you must be willing to recognize where you do have power. We all have the power to make choices. We all have the power to say 'no' or 'not right now' or 'I'm not sure.' We all have the power to ask ourselves, what do I need or want? We all have the power to contribute to creating situations in which we can have our needs and wants met. To be sure, there are times when in spite of having those powers, others may disregard or overpower what we say and do on our own behalf but even then, we still have the power to choose how we will respond.

angel87 -- it sounds to me as if your first attempt at sexual intimacy did not go the way you might have preferred it to go. Does this mean you're a victim? Not in my books. It means that you have the opportunity to recognize that there are things you want and things you don't want. Congratulations -- you learned some very important things about yourself. May your next sexual experience be closer to meeting your needs, as you identify them to be.