ive never been able to tell anyone much of anything :/
i dont really remember any of the sessions i had with the therapist..
im not sure what i told her.. some day in the future some how i will be able to get a new therapist though... it just has to be a female and she has to be really gentle or else it will make me retreat..

sorry about last night, im pretty crazy...

my mom did come over.. she brought me a couple beers, klonopin, and a bottle of wine... so i talked to her a bit... well, i didnt, the serious me did... i didnt really say much.. but i explained about the court, told her again that i dont remember what happened in the court room... so i dunno what i said or did, dunno how i presented myself but i guess to them i was calm friendly and approachable... but i remember almost fainting several times in the waiting room... i didnt tell her much about the feelings.. just that i cant control myself sometimes... i didnt show her the cutting or scars... i dont think i ever will...
until they some how find out that i started doing it again... they saw it years ago... like 11..12 years or so i dunno... but when someone sees something like that it shocks them, they forgot about it and didnt want to think about it i guess... which is good...
i told her to go ahead and call the old community clinic for me and try to explain my situation... if i could just talk to a therapist and explain... and the therapist explain to the judge that i cant control how i present myself sometimes... especially in those situations like in court... or police station... i was traumatized in court... when the police man takes you away from your parents and you cant see them again for a long time... it makes your mind react around those kind of authority figures...
my dad said he is going to talk to his sister which is a private investigator and see what she thinks i should do... use her lawyer... i am not good at talking... i dont like to talk... i just like to be quiet... but through all of this disability process i have been using the serious perosona trying to be friendly and cooperative to make things go along smooth... which clearly backfired... but like i said i cant just be myself... i have to be the other people in order to face the world... so they cant see me...
even to my own family... my mother... i try to let it out but it just comes out as the serious person most of the time... or the person that doesnt care and just doesnt want to talk about it at all, im confused... who am i anymore... i can be anyone... but i am no one... i dont think anyone can understand what i mean...
i guess im going to try to go back to the old clinic... even though i vowed never to return... but atleast the old senial crazy pyschiatrist that slandered my medical record is retired... i want to sue him... and then kick him in the face... bloody jerk...
it probably takes several months just to get back into the clinic though... so i dunno what to do... im in trouble... i have been in trouble for a long time... i wish i would of known when i was young... 10 years old or so... then maybe i would be more in control...

im really lost, im pretty screwed... i cant get medication... if i go to my GP and tell her that i NEED the klonopin and show her how bad i really am it would scare her more and she might call the cops and have them take me to the hospital.. im not going to a hospital... i would rather die...

i use substances to make changes in my mind... thought changes... patterns.. i dunno how to explain it... it makes me feel better... i just want to smile one time and not fake it... or to tell someone how i feel, me, and it be good...

but you know... time doesnt exist for me... 1 day to a year... 1 year to a day... a second to an hours... there is no difference.. the pain has taken time from me...
i am trapped in an hour glass... with no sand... but i dont mind... it just makes me cry to watch people moving while i am frozen... i dunno whats wrong with me...
i give up trying to figure it out... i dont really care...

but i am ashamed...
im not so much ashamed for myself as i am for my family... i am embarrassed... but if they only knew... they would hide it too..

i just like to be quiet... before these things... i wouldnt speak to anyone..
thats where i want to go... i am thinking about clamming up.. retreating into the cave...

i am sorry for writing here, people shouldnt feel these things...
and i dont want to make someone feel bad for me... things can get so bad that bad is not a word that could be used to describe how things are... there are no words to describe...

i dunno who i am anymore... am i the pain? am i the other persons? or am i just a scared little boy... i move through my mind like a river over a waterfall...
i feel these things, then i have to shift... i put on my selves and play a show for everyone around me, almost forgetting who i am inside... and have moments where it arises and i feel the pain, my faces grows dark and the smile quickly disappears.. i look at the ground and realize this is a lie... but quickly recover what i must to stay alive...
looking back up i laugh as if thinking of something funny, no one can know whats inside of me... sometimes i dont know whats inside of me...

i am so tired... i just want to rest.... sleep for a long time...

but changing faces like this people dont understand when they dont know me... when i try to explain...
to most, i probably look fine... but am just one of those people that say i am depressed, when they are sad abou something... but i rarely say i am depressed... i rarely say anything about anything...

well...
im going to go be silent now... i have to take a break from myself...
im turning my brain off... sorry for everything...