im afraid... i have lost hope...
since 2012 i have been trying so hard... i thought i could get profesional help...
i thought they could make things better...
but the profesionals cant help... they just seem to be making things worse...
its not about having disability... it was just about getting help... i thought since i tried all the things i could afford... if i had the insurance and could get a good doctor... maybe he could help... but i dont know anymore... i dont think anyone can help me now...
my mind has riddled itself with alarms... booby traps... triggers... things set off reactions that cause a calm swift retreat that is nearly invisible to the observr...
it is madness... how is it possible for no one to see... how can i look so normal...
why do i do that... why cant i just let people see me cry...
i am afraid of everyone... i am afraid of being hurt... i dont want to be hurt anymore...
im such a fraud... i am tired of this life... it takes a special price to live on.... the price is your soul...
the only thing that can save me... is an angelic therapist that has the ability to navigate through my minds traps and triggers... to learn how to listen for the masquerades...
i dont lie about things... but the way i say things are not in their fullest exposure...
like... "there was a scratch and i felt sad" but the truth would be "but i cut myself and blood dripped as i cried"
dont worry about me... i have lived with this all my life... its nothing new... not much has changed... but the pain increasing... strength depleting...
i am fine... moving onward i shall go....

i want to go hide so bad... i just want to disappear...
i dont like myself much...