I hadn't really followed this thread because I truly believed that I wasn't ashamed of what happened to me but I think today I have come to a realisation. Trying to write a list of words that make me feel uncomfortable I realised that they tell my story. That is why I don't like hearing them because they remind me if what happened. I know what happened but I don't like to be reminded of it because it makes it come out of the box.

Thing is I think it needs to come out of the box in order to be dealt with. So why don't I want to show the list to my T. Because she will, through it, guess what happened and that will mean she knows. Will she start to ask questions, where will it lead? Why does this concern me, what am I afraid of. Well blow me down I think I might be ashamed of what happened, of all of it, of myself. So I came back to this thread because I remembered it was around.

My old T told me six months ago that I might feel shame but that it wasn't my fault. I couldn't understand her, no, not me, I know it wasn't my fault and I didn't feel shame. I think she might be right, though I am still sitting on the fence, albeit with arms and legs hanging over the side, just trapped by my ankle at the moment.

Thing is, what do I do with this. As the article so rightly pointed out I am now ashamed of my shame. I couldn't read most if it because it was too much for me, this snippet was about enough. Does it change anything inside of me? Not really, I don't feel any different than normal to be honest but I don't know how it will change my thinking or ways of being.

As if I needed another level of confusion.