Anyway, to speak more on it as I said I would:

I come from a past history of trauma, abuse, neglect, and abandonment. There were no models of healthy, loving relationships while I was growing up, and I didn't hear very nice things about myself. That's all of it in a nutshell. I'm not trying to blame my past like, oh poor me, I can't have a normal relationship, because I try. But there are things, I guess, missing for me which are just there for people who grew up with the things which were lacking in my formative years. So, for me, knowing how to navigate a relationship, even with a friend or acquaintance, is difficult. With a significant other, I've found it's damn near impossible. Yes, I've worked on this in therapy, but a T isn't a replacement for all of the things your parent(s) should have taught you and there is only so much they can do. It's just hard, and it's an uphill battle.

As I said, I don't know I'm pushing someone away...until the point at which I do, and by then, it's pretty much too late because I've been doing it for so long they are just about to their breaking point. Once I know I'm doing it, it's at the point where I can almost tangibly feel them pulling away from me, and I panic. And then it becomes this crazy tug of war that happens in me. It's a frantic effort to keep them from going, and this indignant-angry-hurt over-reactionary person who shows herself and, I don't know, practically goads them about wanting to be with me. Saying stuff like, "You don't want to be with me," and "I don't know why you put up with me," which they always emphatically contradict as I contradict their contradiction. And it all just spirals and spirals, we argue about dumb shyt and I push and push and push, they resist, resist, resist, until they just can't take anymore. And they snap! and are like, "This isn't going to work. I'm done. Don't ever contact me again." And I'm blocked, or whatever, and I never hear from them again. And it's so abrupt (even though, I mean, I'd been saying all along, "You're going to leave me," that I should be prepared, right?) that it just...ugh. It's the worst.

Like I said, I haven't done this in so long that I'd thought I was past all of that. And I'm embarrassed that I apparently wasn't. I didn't realize how stressed out and depressed I've been and how poorly I was managing it until the person I'd been talking to recently was like, "Nope. I'm out," after putting up with a LOT of shyt. It was the kick in the butt I needed. Not because of him, or for him, but because I'm sick of the cycle...I am working pretty hard on fixing how I cope with stuff. So I'm sharing this because I don't want to sit around and be ashamed of myself. I'd rather talk about it and learn from it.