(((lindamine)))

If your mother suffered a loss of a child (your brother), it most likely traumatized her so deeply that she disconnected from allowing herself to love again. I know it would seem like she would be strong and love a child that is still living, but, it doesn't always happen that way with such a dramatic loss, and it's often a very deep subconscious injury where a parent can distance to avoid being hurt again "subconsciously".

You deserved to have her be strong and make it a point to give you the love "you" needed as a child. I am sorry that you had to experience that. Forgiveness is a challenge, forgiveness is not about not having "your pain and loss", instead it's more about sitting with the reality of how your mother was probably too traumatized and afraid to give love again and it's can be a fear on such a deep subconscious level that a person doesn't realize the "neglect" the way they should. However, often a parent can suffer a kind of survivor's guilt too.

I did not lose a child myself, but I did lose some ponies that were so badly damaged from my neighbor's dog. I loved these ponies like they were my children and I was so traumatized that I developed PTSD. I began distancing from my other ponies more and more, also felt incredible guilt, and also a deep fear that I had never felt before, and I disassociated A LOT, and often still do. If I had lost an actual child? I may have distanced in the strange deep way I distanced from my other ponies maybe even more intensely. I still love my other ponies, but in a very disconnected strange way and that I have come to understand is a very deep "fear/guilt" and the distancing is not really on a conscious level, it is just that when I reach out, I feel the pain of the loss I suffered and I subconsciously try to "avoid" that.

I don't think it was so much that your mother did not love you, but more of you being a child brought a deep, I mean deep, pain that she was trying to "avoid" because of the loss of your brother. The "avoidance" is very strong that can happen after a major trauma. It's even stronger then how you want to avoid her because of her neglect towards you and you know you are not going to "just get over it" as your older siblings keep telling you to do.

I can understand how hard it must be that you are taking care of her so much with "your" pain as you are being reminded of that as you do take care of her. You are taking care of a woman that never really recovered from experiencing the loss of a child. A lot of couples that lose a child divorce because they don't even want a spouse around as even that is a reminder. There is also deep anger in the mix too. A parent never really recovers from the loss of a child, it's probably the highest on the list of major "trauma".