First off I should say I am very newly diagnosed and am waiting for my appointment with the psychiatrist to discuss medication options. I was in thereapy and then attempted suicide and my psychologist that I have been seeing for around six months said she had been wondering if I was bipolar. The last 15-20 years of my life have been a horrible roller coaster of severe ups and downs, violent mood swings, crippling anxiety and depression ect.

I feel like I am constantly hurting the people I love the most and that I drive them away. Every man I have ever been with has cheated on me and then subsequently left me. Except my current husband, but I found out last week he had fooled around with another girl, but we are working it out. I am very aware of the fact that I am hard to live with. I feel like my failed relationships are my fault because when I'm not manic and irritable and angry I'm so depressed I can't function at all. In looking back on my life after diagnosis it makes sense to me why the men in my life found someone else and left me.

Sometimes my thoughts cycle so fast in my head thst I can't keep up and end up blurting out something without thinking and it starts an argument. Most recently tonight my husband mentioned my body language often doesn't mirror feelings I am expressing with my words and that is 9 Times out of 10 why he keeps fighting (or starts a fight) even if I've said I am ok with something. I had no idea this was e case until today.

I'm starting to feel like all I do is make life super hard for the people around me. I feel like a huge burden. My therapy sessions are much more frequent now, and like I said I am waiting on my appointment to discuss medication. But I'm manic right now and clinging so hard onto my husband I feel like I am suffocating him. Realizing all of these these things about myself makes me feel like he deserves so much better and that he won't endure me much longer. I'm scared, anxious and feeling really, really badly right now.