I gave in last night and cut. I feel really stupid about the thing that put me over the edge, too. It was dumb of me to react as strongly as I did. Really, really dumb.

After all the things that I have been coping with and not cutting what put me over the edge...

I sent a poem to my T that I had written to express how much I care about her and what I like about her. I was nervous to send it because, well I am just not so good at being open or vulnerable at all. Anyway, her word program recently disappeared on her home computer because of a computer crash. I had sent the poem as a word attachment Friday night, so she hasn't been able to open it yet and won't be able to until tommorrow when she gets to work. She emailed me and let me know that she wouldn't be able to read it until she goes in to work, too. But yesterday I stupidly forgot that it was Saturday so she wouldn't be going in that day. So when I checked my email and still hadn't heard her response to the poem, I started thinking it was a huge mistake to send it to her and I was probably very stupid to share my feelings, and that she probably didn't like the poem and wants me to go away now, probably because I am too clingy. I felt really bad about that because I'm relying on her a lot lately, and don't know what I would do without her right now. I finally gave in, stopped fighting it all, and just cut.

Isn't that stupid? After all the big things that I have been dealing with and not cutting over, then I throw all that hard work away and cut over THIS? THIS is the straw that breaks the camels back?

I managed to keep it to only two cuts, but they are deeper than I usually do (although not horribly deep). And I want to do more. I keep cleaning it with alcohol preps hoping that the stinging sensation will be enough for me and I can keep myself occupied with these cuts instead of making more. But since I already blew it, and enjoyed it so much, I'm having a hard time convincing myself that it's worth not doing again.

I am sad

Angela