You don't sound like a therapist. But as I said, this isn't the first time I've thought about these things; it's been decades that I've been self-aware. I haven't dated in 7 years because I realized, the last time I was in a relationship, that the thought patterns were just too destructive and I needed to get into a different headspace. As I've mentioned previously, I thought I was in that space. The thing is that I do like myself, the majority of the time. I believe that I am intelligent, attractive, interesting, and funny. I think that I have some unique perspectives to bring to the table simply because of my upbringing--not the bad parts (necessarily), but the fact that I've lived all over the country and have experienced many things. I like to make people laugh as well, I enjoy playing music (I play a few different instruments), I am learning to cook, am just getting into redecorating my apartment, and am putting together an at-home workout regimen...all of these things are things I enjoy about or by myself. I also enjoy doing things for and with my friends.

I have been under a tremendous amount of stress lately, however. I began a new career at the beginning of March, and things haven't been going smoothly. I am working in a place where I've been for three years already, and I chose to stay there after graduation thinking that would make the transition smoother. It hasn't. There are two people in my department who are literally waiting for me to fail. This is per a frank discussion with my preceptor. I've had a heart-to-heart with my boss where I found out that most of my department feels that I'm not open and accepting of others (that's probably true). So, in the last 7 weeks not only have I begun a new career, I've also had to change my whole perspective. I've had to change how I look at other people, myself, and the world around me...basically, take my personality down to the studs and build it back up, all shiny and new and much more open. But...that didn't happen until after I'd already caused my coworkers to believe that I was walled off, and after I'd made a mess of my relationship with JD. Sometimes change comes at a price, hey?

It stinks, but I guess the hard lessons are for the best. My T and I are working hard at refreshing the coping skills I'd let fall by the wayside. I'm in a sort of repair mode where I've been reaching out to people I've pushed away, and making my apologies. Most of the friends have been refreshingly accepting. The work thing...that is going to be hard. I may have to just face the fact that it's probably time to start over in a new department. As much as I wanted to be where I'm at, it's a fight I don't want to fight at this time. And, as I said, I did reach out to JD with a handwritten letter offering up a humble, sincere apology without excuses. What happens next is totally up to him...but I hope he chooses to talk to me again, whatever that looks like.