I had my session yesterday. For almost the session I spoke about myself as though I was talking about someone else. I could connect no feeling to what I was talking about... until about 15 minutes before the session ended when I could stand the ambivalance and the numbness no more... and my mind became flooded with images of self-harm. T told me, "Describe the images to me so I can feel them, too." So I did that. Then I asked him, "How do I go home and not doing these things to myself?" He told me that when I go home it would be very, very important to hold my husband. And he said, "I know you want very, very much to be held. So hold onto him. And when you hold him, it's okay to be holding on to anyone else." (I am assuming he is talking about himself because he knows how very much I want him to hold me.) Then he made me smile. He said, "Just try this. And if it doesn't work, you can call me and tell me what an %#@&#! I am."

So now I will get to the part that explains the title of this post. Last night as I was laying in bed, something weird happened. It wasn't really a fantasy because I didn't consciously make it up. But it wasn't really a dream either, because I wasn't sleeping. Anyway, so I'm in bed and all of a sudden I had this image of T just coming over to me while I'm laying there, tucking a stuffed animal in my arms, pulling the blanket over me, and then just sitting in a chair across the room and reading to himself while I fall asleep. And I felt so comforted as I thought about this. It sort of felt real. What the hell was going on? Furthermore, I suppose I have to tell him about this... and of course I'm embarrased by it because of the little kid stuff...