I don't know where to start, I have lots of long posts detailing all sorts of whiny details so I will try to make this short.

Pain and anxiety is killing me, or making me wish I were dead. But I can't end it. six months ago I was leaving my pdocs office feeling awful, self-hatred and all that crap. I headed to my daughters house and I knocked on their door and my five year old grandson opens the door. He yells out "papa is here, today is the greatest day ever". That is seared into my brain and every time I have SI, which is multiple times a day that image of him plays in my head over and over. I have two grand daughters that I love just as much as my grandson but I feel really connected to him.

The current big problem is that my daughter is moving across the state taking my grandson and one of my grand daughters with her. It is a good thing for them, it will present great opportunities for them. But it is leaving me in a bad state. I inadvertently told her that I am having impulses to saw off my feet(neuromas in both feet are driving me nuts) and it is making her upset about leaving me. My other daughter and granddaughter live with me which helps but I am doing bad right now, when they leave I don't know what will happen. I wish I couldn't care what will happen, more than anything I wish that, but I do mind because of my children and grand children but they deserve better than me.

Not to go into details but I have had lots of things on my mind that spike my anxiety. Most of those things are settled or just figments of my twisted mind but my anxiety levels haven't noticeably dropped. Every week there are new things added that cause anxiety. It shouldn't be this way, how can I have worries when I rarely leave my place, have no friends, and I am poor, but financially stable? I am in no danger of starving or becoming homeless. So why is my anxiety through the roof? It is making my depression and psychosis worse.

My mind and gut are constantly spinning and I get racing thoughts. Still images of things, like a fast moving slideshow that randomly stops on an image. If the image is something that is real, there is no issue. If it is an image from a dream, it causes a seizure aura or maybe it is a seizure, I have never gotten a definitive answer from a neurologist. Regardless, it is the thing I fear more than anything. I go blind, get feelings of terrors, like a panic attack on top of another one. They can lead to a grand mal but I have enough benzos to stop it in its tracks but the benzos don't stop the racing thoughts.

I have lots of medical issues and pain, sadly none of it is life-threatening and not one of them has a solution including my MH issues. They are all permanent and the best case for me is that they don't get worse. Things always get worse. All this makes my depression worse. If I were to make a graph from 1995(when all of this started) to today, there were be a lot of ups and downs but the trend has always been down since I am a total loser

I had a plan to off myself Jan 1 2000, it seemed fitting, and while I ended up bloody I stopped early on because I wanted to say goodbye to my kids who were at a friends house and the mom called the police. Surprisingly, I avoided being committed. My daughters would be so much better off if I had done that, in every way. Biggest regret of my life. I know this makes me sound like an idiotic, self-absorbed jerk, which is just one more reason for me to stop living.