I was only 14 years old.
We had a dance that night.
Word got spread of a party at my house.
I was so excited.
This was a big step up on my popularity level.
After the dance, everyone started showing up at my house.
In the end, at least 60 people showed up.
I got do drinking, like i always do.
I didnt have my own supply, so i had to buy it from someone.
We'll call him %#@&#!.
He sold me 10 beers.
Cheap.
I drank 7 of them, gave the rest to my friends.
I wanted more though, so he sold us some segrems 7.
he gave the 3 "drinks" of it.
it really turned in to 3 gigantic chugs of it.
i know, i was stupid.
People start to leave.
The next thing i know, im sitting on the tailgate, and %#@&#! is standing in front of me , holding me.
And then kissing me.
And then whispering in my ear "i wanna %#@&#! you so bad".
that freaked me out.
he was one of my brothers friends.
wede known him for years.
then next thing i know, im being dragged behind my house.
hes on top of me, taking off my jeans and panties.
And then hes having sex with me.
I wanted him to stop.
So much.
I was so drunk, i couldnt even talk.
i started crying.
i tried to cry loud.
but no one was around to hear me.
he got done, got up, and walked away.
my mom came outside, pissed off, and made me and my best friends go to bed.
So we did.
She told %#@&#! that if hed beein drinking to sleep in the livingroom.
she went back to bed.
he sneaked into my room.
I was concious, but blacked out.
i dont remember it.
bits and pieces i can recall.
He took advantage of me again.
with my friends in the room.
they didnt stop him becuase i didnt scream.
i couldnt scream.
i was screaming inside, though.
so loud it hurt.
I woke up in the moring, still a little bit buzzed.
%#@&#! was still in my bed.
I went to pull up my jeans and realized they werent on.
neither were my underwear, and i was bleeding.
I was a virgin.
w-a-s.
not anymore.
i didnt want to tell anyone.
i wanted to forget about it.
it got around school.
my mom found out. made me tell her the truth.
i did.
she called the cops, took me to the hospital.
luckily, i wasnt pregnant.
friends that ive had all of my life, turned their backs on me.
to them, i was a liar. i just wanted attention.
and now.
all i need is help.
ive been through therapy.
it didnt work.
i drink to take the pain away.
i need to know where to go from here.