Thank you for these nice replies. It is nice to know that some people, even if you will always be strangers, can understand and sadly, relate.

I guess it is the depression that causes the anxiety, I don't know. I have had constant depression since 95 but anxiety didn't make an unwelcome entrance until 2011. Maybe it is because it is still somewhat new and I haven't made relative peace with it like I have with my depression. The psychosis is new as well and is not helping anxiety or depression. My hallucinations don't even converse with me, some yell but I don't understand them. The only part of my depression that is hard for me to deal with is the reaction it causes because of anxiety and psychosis.

The only thing I care about is my family. I don't care if I have friends and certainly have zero desire to date but family has always been the center for me. That is probably because I come from a large family. I have 9 siblings. One of my sisters, who lives 10 time zones away is making the rounds visiting everyone so that will help me cope with my daughter leaving.

You are right, it is scary. Not having control of my mind is terrifying. It seems like the one thing I should be able to maintain control over but it is just twisted or something.

They are only 4 1/2 hours away, which is better than halfway across the country but I am quite poor. I eat from the money I make selling plasma. My VA check goes to rent and bills. I am so fortunate these problems started while I was in the service. The VA covers all my medical expenses including meds with no copay. The only thing they don't cover is dental. I could get cancer, and they will pay for all necessary treatments but won't even clean my teeth. Odd system.

I am hoping to get my rating increased from 80% to 100% which is a huge jump in pay and benefits(including full dental!) and than I could afford to visit them often.

I will check out those links, I appreciate that. I exaggerated a little, there is a fix for my feet, but there is no guarantee another neuroma won't appear and that is to get the offending nerve removed which would leave the center of the balls of my feet and inner three toes numb. Seems like an extreme solution and don't consider it to be a viable one unless the pain increases permanently.

Thank you to all that responded, it does help and is greatly appreciated.