So I'm caught up with the girl that I fwb. It's stupid because yes we get along great at times and other times not so much. I want to be comfortable again in some ones arms.

I miss that with her and I'm frustrated I am poorly adjusting having to receive no affection for along time and suddenly have it feel like it's gone. Then suddenly you're the bad one and its over before you get a chance to a response.
Now at times I feel pushed under the bus by her when I'm around out friendship feels stained and it's confusing whether to even bother trying to be her friend.

I'm very cruel and shut out at times and i may not ever have a satisfying relationship ever in my life, but who cares. I felt safe and you destroyed it first thing and told me life sucks deal with it.

I feel unjustified and angry and yes this happens ik. It is just ****ed up because who i am i dont deserve 1st place only an option and a useful tool.
Nothing more and you know I'm really sick of caring about it.

Like what's to look forward too relationships are devastatingly dangerous. They ruin people financially and emotionally. It just makes it all feel illegitimate and so she's right by saying, "the right person will come along when you're not looking so it's easier to let them in, but it's all wrong."

I acknowledged where I'm at I'm changing it, but I've truly lost myself. I hate love. I am sad on the inside by disappointment but even though it's meant to make me stronger the prize at the end of feeling satisfied around anyone feels very bitter.

That's why I only want temporary relationships and getting high. It's my escape for now.