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Originally Posted by Artchic528
Wow. I just googled this as I didn't know what alexithymia was, and I feel I might have that as well. I've had this inability to identify what exactly I feel when I get worked up over knowing or hearing other people talk of having sex. I also come across as unempathic towards others, mostly because I find it hard to know what emotions they are feeling and showing. I also have a hard time knowing if someone is joking/teasing me or if they are being serious.
I've been suggested that I had some sort of BPD going on, but that never really fit, my therapist even said that I didn't have it. This condition seems much more fitting.
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I experience this as well a lot too.
I just want someone to love me even with this, but at the same time don't know how to. Such a funny predicament.
I think when I was abused for many many years. I used it as a means to cope and survive when my life was endangered as a child to rationalize why people are bad or evil etc.
I confused it with anyone's intentions. So even on here. I feel ill will of others, I know a good example I pissed off someone on this forum and didn't mean to upset her. I was just desperate and not thinking with my heart, but my aching brain that was not knowing how to see or understand what my heart needed or wanted.
I can tell you Love is hell for me. It feels like a curse or a burden than a release a freeflowing energy new potential love I crush a lot from within to feel safe.
I like the control that's the only part I have control over when it's intense, but mostly all the time I fall victim to my own lack of judgment on their behavior or feelings towards me leaving very uncomfortable and awkward situations later on.
I will never know if someone wants to date me, hook up with me, be my friend, or have sex, whatever intention. I never know till afterwards. I never figured it out and realized their is something seriously wrong with me.