I've questioned myself to stop smoking period, because I just want more than this I have at the moment. I deserve more than this, but unable to find or receive it.

So it's been never easy or rarely easy. It's rather been difficult for me to enjoy sex anymore other than a short term release.

I've been smoking for a long time, but I really envision myself what I want to see.

A new family a place where I have created something out of nothing, that the right person comes along from my actions of doing something someone who is on a journey too and helps me create more for each of us, but I only see it in my head, but can't speak it out most of the time.

It moves by so fast, so fast I will realize many minutes later I was in love with that feeling. Then later realize how daunting and far away a goal like that is. So I work on now baby steps. I really feel getting high is making me too lazy to care about it all or others.