Sorry this isn't written will i haven't slept much lately and its 5am



A little bit over a year ago i started to notice a slight change in myself that i can't really put into words, among other things it felt is if my life was slowly fading away from for everything like i wasn't actually living my own life. i thought nothing of it and didn't dare talk to anyone about (couldnt if i tried) it so i became complacent with whatever was going on. after a while i started having trouble understanding things in general , things that i usually would have no problem with, this was worrying but again i decided to ignore it. During this time i was dealing with some changes in my life this just added onto the stress i already had from school and trying to get my life figured. i fell into a dark place, constantly crying myself to sleep, stop eating, picked up some bad habits, overall felt like nobody understood me while then lead to a deep loneliness..i had quite a few good friends back then too that were always around me but still felt like i had nobody to talk to. Over time lead to me loosing myself, things started blurring together like life was moving faster than i was and it knocked me down even more. nothing mattered at that point eventually i lost touch with my emotions which wasn't a bad thing,nothing could hurt me in a sense.
After high school things were looking up, i had a plan for college,a good job even made few good friends but these feelings never really left me, they no longer interfered with my daily life but somehow if felt they were still there in the back of my mind. Slowly i watched all my plans for the future die, and really this didn't bother me all that much life was good all i had to worry about was work,partying and weed. for a while i felt genuine bliss in the numbness. until i got sober… then all my emotions and dark thoughts came back in almost a chain as if one bad thought lead to the next until i wanted to scream. all i could hope is that they would just shutoff and i could become emotionless again so i might be able to function.
Eventually i got what i wanted a few months ago. Which leads me to where i am now, i still don't know who i am, the loneliness is still there, and if I'm not “self medicated” nightly i lay awake as my thoughts put me into an even bigger hole. Still i have not told a soul about this. Now I've just accepted all of it and just float through life like I'm on looking through a window as it passes by. i feel as if I'm living in a warped perception of reality and no longer no what real life is. I've been sober these last few days and have had some time to think and now i don’t know if i just convinced myself i was living in this warped state of if this what real life feels like. its too much confusion to take my thoughts are always racing so even hard for me to think most of the time. i just want to understand what is going on…so I'm hoping someone will be able to help me do that or at least give me some advice on what to do now.