Hello ubicaritasetamor: The Skeezyks welcomes you to PsychCentral! May you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I understand what it is like to be struggling with depression, anxiety & suicidal thoughts. I battle each of these monsters every day... & I have made serious attempts to get rid of myself a couple of times. Only you know how serious your suicidal thinking is. But under any circumstances suicidal thinking is nothing to mess around with, or to try to dismiss. So, from my perspective, it is really important for you to reach out, in real life, to someone for help. I know how difficult this can be when there's no one around you who will listen, understand & help. You're just stuck in this very dark place with, seemingly, nowhere to turn. Actually this is, in part, characteristic of suicidal thinking. One's perspective with regard to one's range of options narrows to the point where it seems there are simply no alternatives.

You mentioned you are about to graduate college. Is there a student counseling center you could go to? Are there perhaps some free or income-based mental health services in your area? You could call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255). They may be able to suggest some services that may be available in your area. But even if they cannot, at least this would give you someone to talk to on the phone. One doesn't even have to be suicidal to call. They advertise they're there to help with any problem.

Beyond that, certainly, continue posting here on PC. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more connected to the community you will become. I wish you well...